Currently I am fighting the battle of being two girls.
One is the girl who I am most hours: when I’m happy, having fun, or when I’m understanding and compassionate. She is who I strive to be.
The other is who I try to hide, cover up, and push away. She is the one who hurts so bad and strikes out violently and cruelly because of it. I am ashamed of who I am when she takes over.
The latter is the girl who needs the most love, and it is so hard to grab her and love her when I try to pretend she isn’t there. The hardest part is when She lashes out with hands and words, because I have to love her then, too, but it’s easier to hate her and shove her away again. She needs me the most, but I want her the least.
I have conquered one hill in acknowledging that She is within me, and that she is not evil, she is just hurting. Still, I try to fix her and make her fit into the box of ideals I have created for myself–ideal girlfriend, daughter, writer, worker, friend, Me.
I continually tell myself, “That’s not me when I act like that. This is me when I act like this.”
Well, that girl is me and Her actions are Mine, and by telling myself that She’s not hurts us even worse. She becomes more strangled and isolated, and when She finally makes an appearance she is angry.
How do you take it when someone purposely ignores you, and it’s someone that you had a fantastic relationship with just a few weeks ago? It hurts you in your softest parts, and you want to get their attention. You want them to see you and explain themselves. You may even want revenge. This is what I’m doing to a piece of myself, and nothing hurts quite like that.
Even when I acknowledge all of this, it does not make the path less confusing or painful to follow. I don’t know the right choices to make to bring my two selves together as one. Right now I’m just trying to love them both equally, because they are both equally me.