I didn’t want to write today.

Rolling out of bed, I am eager to create an inspiring day –

One where I start the morning lost in a book by Deepak Chopra, drinking a cup of coffee, and eating a fresh breakfast.

Where I later pick up my laptop and curate a lovely blog post, knowing this is what I am meant to do.

I roll out my yoga mat and find inner peace as I move gracefully from pose to pose. After practice, I sigh and give thanks.

Instead –

Coffee would take too much time to make, I decide. So, I fill up a glass of water and reach for a poptart before settling in with a book by Deepak Chopra.

I struggle to catch my breath as anxiety rolls through me making me fidget and sigh repeatedly.

I haven’t practiced yoga in four days.

My body is dehydrated from not enough water.

The dog needs to be taken out, but the thought of leaving my apartments makes me shrink farther into my chair.

And I don’t want to write, I don’t want to write, I don’t want to write.

I sigh and climb into the hot water of the shower. Running the washcloth over my face. Struggling to pull in the next breath. Reaching for a gentle body wash instead of a harsh scrub. Forgetting the psoriasis shampoo.

I repeat the words of the post I need to write over and over, because I thought I didn’t want to write, but the words are forcing their way out of me. It is the only way I will catch my breath.

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The robe is soft as I pull it around me.

I reach for my laptop.

I can’t remember my password and have to make a new one.

Breathing is a little easier, but anxiety sits heavily on my chest.

My partner takes the dog out and hangs up the clothes.

Breathing is a little easier but will be a struggle as I go through the day.

I hit publish, sigh, and go fill a glass with water.

My Word of the Year: 2015

wordoftheyear

This time last year I picked out the word FLOW.

I had been suffering with clinical anxiety for at least a year (probably more, I just didn’t have a diagnosis) and was exhausted with the effort it takes to try and control everything.

Instead of desperately grabbing for every rock to hold me steady, I wanted to learn to go where the flow of the river took me. I wanted to release my grip and enjoy the surprises of life.

This was easier said than done.

And the funny thing about anxiety and depression is that you fight change with every ounce of your being, but to get better, change is inevitable.

So, I went to counselling, I saw my doctor every month, I started taking medicine, and I dropped out of school.

Learning to FLOW was necessary in 2014.

And I did learn. And I’m still learning.

This year my word didn’t come to me immediately.

I knew how I wanted to FEEL in 2015 – financially savvy and secure, motivated, cozy and relaxed.

I knew what I wanted to DO in 2015 – see this blog blossom, get back into school, start working again, keep a regular yoga practice, balance, and enjoy myself.

But I couldn’t quite put a word to the lists.

Until I read through Vivienne McMaster’s 100 Word of the Year Ideas and saw THRIVE.

THRIVE

Ahh.

I want to THRIVE financially, in my education, with this blog, in my self-love journey, and with my mental health.

Yes.

I want to THRIVE by living authentically and sharing my truth.

I want to THRIVE despite the days where depression gets its hold or anxiety fights for control.

I want to THRIVE in 2015.

Tell me below what you want for 2015 in the comments.

My 2014 in IG Photos

2014 held some serious highs and lows.

I battled with depression and anxiety, seeking counseling and medication (and won).

I went from full-time college student to part-time to taking a semester off (and don’t regret it).

I got my first non-university related job (and hated it).

I got a nose ring (and it HURT).

I watched a lot of Project Runway and ate a lot of Subway (and it was kind of awesome and kind of sickening).

I took my first international trip and lived in England for 3 months (and it was both fantastic and awful).

I started participating in yoga challenges on Instagram (and I can reach my toes now).

I started building this blog back up (and it was terrifying).

And I pet a lot of cats (because DUH).

You know how I love Instagram, so let’s take a look back at my 2014 through my favorite app.

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

=

December

It’s amazing how much a year can hold, isn’t it?

I can’t wait to see what you have for me, 2015.

Follow me on IG @evecalian!
Follow me on Bloglovin!

See you in 2015!

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve taken December off from regular blogging. What with travelling home and holidays immediately after, a break was for the best!

I’ll be back in January to ring in 2015 with weekly posts, monthly goals, and photos from my trip to England.

Happy holidays!

Do you have a Word of the Year picked out for 2015? I can’t decide if I want to pick one or not…

NO goals for December

That’s right. I am declaring it. I am setting NO goals for myself this December!

One week from today (Tuesday) Katelin and I will be flying home to America. In the few weeks after we have plans for a Christmas shebang with our best friend, Tina, that includes a maternity photoshoot, and a few days after that my family will be in town for Christmas!!

There is also a to-do list with important items that must be done, and with such a busy, kind of stressful month ahead…

I didn’t want to set myself up for failure and discouragement.

I know what I can handle, and I’m already questioning how I will balance everything planned. To add 5 goals would not be my best move!

Let’s review last month’s goals…


You can see them here.

Three have a big check-mark next to them while two got a star for effort!

Yoga was not such a priority for me in November. I participated in #SizeDoesntMatter for about half the month this round, and I just wasn’t feeling it. So, I stopped!

The same thing happened with yoga videos three times a week. Most weeks I did one video, but go me for pushing myself just that bit!

I participated in Mara Glatzel’s Course Brave Love, and SO loved it!! I have a few lessons I’m taking my time to catch up on, but it was so, so fantastic. I completely encourage all of you to check out her blog and offerings!

Stonehenge totally happened. Ahh.. it was… beautiful. Once I am home and rested, I plan on writing some posts featuring photos and stories of everything we saw! Stonehenge was one of my top three faves.

And, lastly, if you take a peek towards the bottom of any page, you will see a cleaned up categories section! Yay!

While I won’t be working towards goals this month, I am participating in an Instagram yoga challenge – #HoHoHipOpeners with @yoga_davina. If you care to follow along, you can find me @evecalian!

Here’s to a happy, goal-free December!

Let me know in the comments what goals you’re setting! If you’re not, tell me why!

What I am craving…

Early mornings involving coffee and meditation.

Printing out pictures to scrapbook, and scrapbooking them lovingly while watching a favorite show.

Making our bedroom a sanctuary filled with twinkling lights, crystals, and candles. A room that inspires me.

Walking my dog regularly.

Sitting down with my partner and creating a budget that makes us feel secure and free.

Trimming down the list of who I really want in my life – the people that make me feel wrapped in warmth, love, and acceptance.

Taking care of those people. Showering them with gifts and love.

What are you craving right now?

Life lately in IG photos

Christmas decorations are appearing, Christmas scented candles are being lit, + warm drinks are being drunk by the light of the Christmas tree.

Most days are being spent wrapped up in a warm blanket with a book (currently: The Stand by Stephen King) or computer on my lap. Coffee + tea close by.

English weather has finally greeted us in full swing! This has meant many rainy outings as we do our last tourist stops before returning to America.

The rain has not stopped us from exploring forests + taking cheesy photos!

My mantra I am trying to live by.

Follow me on IG @evecalian!