I didn’t want to write today.

Rolling out of bed, I am eager to create an inspiring day –

One where I start the morning lost in a book by Deepak Chopra, drinking a cup of coffee, and eating a fresh breakfast.

Where I later pick up my laptop and curate a lovely blog post, knowing this is what I am meant to do.

I roll out my yoga mat and find inner peace as I move gracefully from pose to pose. After practice, I sigh and give thanks.

Instead –

Coffee would take too much time to make, I decide. So, I fill up a glass of water and reach for a poptart before settling in with a book by Deepak Chopra.

I struggle to catch my breath as anxiety rolls through me making me fidget and sigh repeatedly.

I haven’t practiced yoga in four days.

My body is dehydrated from not enough water.

The dog needs to be taken out, but the thought of leaving my apartments makes me shrink farther into my chair.

And I don’t want to write, I don’t want to write, I don’t want to write.

I sigh and climb into the hot water of the shower. Running the washcloth over my face. Struggling to pull in the next breath. Reaching for a gentle body wash instead of a harsh scrub. Forgetting the psoriasis shampoo.

I repeat the words of the post I need to write over and over, because I thought I didn’t want to write, but the words are forcing their way out of me. It is the only way I will catch my breath.

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The robe is soft as I pull it around me.

I reach for my laptop.

I can’t remember my password and have to make a new one.

Breathing is a little easier, but anxiety sits heavily on my chest.

My partner takes the dog out and hangs up the clothes.

Breathing is a little easier but will be a struggle as I go through the day.

I hit publish, sigh, and go fill a glass with water.

Fighting the battle of two girls, and both are me.

Currently I am fighting the battle of being two girls. 

One is the girl who I am most hours: when I’m happy, having fun, or when I’m understanding and compassionate. She is who I strive to be.

The other is who I try to hide, cover up, and push away. She is the one who hurts so bad and strikes out violently and cruelly because of it. I am ashamed of who I am when she takes over. 

The latter is the girl who needs the most love, and it is so hard to grab her and love her when I try to pretend she isn’t there. The hardest part is when She lashes out with hands and words, because I have to love her then, too, but it’s easier to hate her and shove her away again. She needs me the most, but I want her the least.

I have conquered one hill in acknowledging that She is within me, and that she is not evil, she is just hurting. Still, I try to fix her and make her fit into the box of ideals I have created for myself–ideal girlfriend, daughter, writer, worker, friend, Me.

I continually tell myself, “That’s not me when I act like that. This is me when I act like this.”  

Well, that girl is me and Her actions are Mine, and by telling myself that She’s not hurts us even worse. She becomes more strangled and isolated, and when She finally makes an appearance she is angry

How do you take it when someone purposely ignores you, and it’s someone that you had a fantastic relationship with just a few weeks ago? It hurts you in your softest parts, and you want to get their attention. You want them to see you and explain themselves. You may even want revenge. This is what I’m doing to a piece of myself, and nothing hurts quite like that. 

Even when I acknowledge all of this, it does not make the path less confusing or painful to follow. I don’t know the right choices to make to bring my two selves together as one. Right now I’m just trying to love them both equally, because they are both equally me.